Of Goldbricks and Blockheads
by Me
Summary: Klink's steps were never brick again after The Gold Rush, episode 18 so what happened? A short explanation


Submitting stuff for I remarked how easily the bricks found on Klink's office steps in the Gold Rush episode could be replaced by wood, with a simple memo. Then, I decided, why not write the actual story. Quite short one-shot, unlike my others, but hopefully funny, set to take place just after the first season episode "The Gold Rush."

Of Blockheads and Gold Bricks

Colonel Robert Hogan motioned almost imperceptibly for one of his men to come. Even as he sat there, he was already formulating phase 2 of his plan.

Of course, the fellow prisoner was Sergeant Andrew Carter, which Hogan knew might make things a little more complex than they should be. "Tell the men Chip needs more red covering."

Carter listened to the whispered command, then looked across the compound of LuftStalag 13, from which Hogan ran a top secret covert mission, including sabotage and rescue of downed airmen. "Well, gee, Sir, Corporal Henderson seems dressed warm enough to me. I don't think he'll catch cold. Now me, I like to wear my coat when it's…"

"Carter! Not that Chip." Hogan motioned to the speck of gold sticking out from the faux bricks on which he was sitting, then quickly covered it again,

"Oh! I wondered. I mean, just about the only red clothing here is Louis' sweater, and…" He caught the look. "Yes Sir, I'll get someone on it."

Louis was Louis LeBeau, a Frenchman who was part of Hogan's main group along with Carter, British corporal Peter Newkirk, and American sergeant James Kinchloe. However, many men had worked to exchange real gold brought into the camp with bricks that were painted gold. The gold, meanwhile, had been painted red, like bricks, and used to build new front steps for the camp's kommandant, Wilhelm Klink.

The Gestapo - led by one Major Krieger - was presently searching the camp for the missing gold. After Kinchloe - known as Kinch - came to get instructions, several of Hogan's men quickly gathered around him as Newkirk came with a paintbrush - complete with red paint - concealed in his coat, with the painted part covered.

Hogan rose and spoke as Newkirk surreptitiously painted. "Now, listen, men, I want to thank you all for the gracious work you've put in to the commandant's new steps. This is truly an effort for which you are to be commended." He grinned as Klink drew near. "I know the rumors you may have heard make you feel the work has been in vain, but I'm certain that those rumors are unfounded…oh, hi, kommandant." Hogan stepped out from the gathering, while Newkirk finished his painting job and snuck back to the barracks, the brush again concealed. "What can I do for you?"

"Hogan, I was a little surprised - you are usually trying to trade barbs with the Gestapo - trying to rile them up. Not that I mind that you didn't, but…"

Hogan could tell that, while Klink wasn't smart enough to see through him, he did suspect things at times, though his suspicions were only of attempted escapes. When he suspected more, of course, Hogan could always turn it to his advantage, usually by blaming the Gestapo.

He hung his head. "Well, Sir…look, it's probably just a rumor."

"What is just a rumor? Hogan, what did you hear that you were telling your men…" He turned to Major Krieger as he walked up to them. "Sir, I'm sorry, I will rejoin you on your little quest as soon as I am finished with this prisoner. But, I can assure you you will find no gold here! You have searched over half the camp, and there is no reason for me to remain."

"I see. And what had you so concerned that you chose to leave me!" Krieger barked.

Sensing Klink was fidgety, Hogan intervened for him. "The Kommandant likes to test us, Sir; make us think he's not looking, and then he swoops down on us just as we're discussing escape plans," he said with disgust. Folding his arms, he said, "We just can't get away with anything! Uh, Sir."

"Yes, I catch them like flies in a bottle!"

"And are your guards not good enough for this?"

"Sir, my guards are the best. There has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13…"

Hogan smirked. "Actually, if you really wanted gold bricks, you'd have to take some of the guards." Klink was puzzled. "Sorry, Sir, American slang. A goldbrick is like a dumbkopf." He looked at the agent and raised his eyebrows - Krieger had apparently found that slightly humorous once Hogan explained. "Wow, the Gestapo can smile! I wish I had a camera; the folks back home would never believe it. It'd be more bizarre than those pictures of the Elephant Man."

Klink grinned. He enjoyed seeing the Gestapo taken down a few pegs; he was greatly troubled by them, and having Hogan on his side when they were around helped him feel a little more secure.

"The Gestapo is not interested in American slang! I promise you, Colonel, that we will find gold. And, I do not mean lazy, dumbkopf soldiers!" He stormed off.

Klink flapped his arms. "Those Gestapo; why do they act like that?"

"I don't know, Sir Maybe it's all those commands that come down from old nose hair."

"Colonel Hogan, do not refer to our fuehrer as nose hair!"

"Oh, you're right, Sir, I can see why you'd be upset; but it might just be a rumor."

"What might just be a rumor?" Klink repeated.

"Well…I shouldn't say, Sir. Not while they're snooping around," he whispered, pointing at the agents. "They might not be looking for gold, though."

"Oh, do not be ridiculous, Hogan; if they say they are looking for gold, they are looking for gold!" Klink walked up the steps into his office, with Hogan following; both managed to avoid the wet paint.

"Wanna bet? How secure do you think those shipments are?"

"I…"

"The Gestapo is supposed to be the master of efficiency; they don't lose shipments." Klink rifled through some papers, looking for his notes on when the shipment of gold had arrived in camp and departed. "They're looking for something else."

"Like what…here it is." He began t leave, with Hogan following again.

"Like anything to spoil your good name. They're jealous of you, kommandant!" As Klink handed the paper to the Gestapo halfway across the compound, Hogan said, "Tell him, you can't believe they'd really lose a shipment of gold. It's a setup for something else."

Krieger smiled mischievously, suspecting what Hogan was doing after his previous comment about the guards. "Very clever, Colonel. Klink, you will ignore what this man says. He is trying to make you nervous about our visit, so you will let down your guard when it comes to other matters. Just as he tried to make you suspect the ability of your own guards. We are looking for gold,a nd we shall find it - if not here, then somewhere."

"That is right. Hogan, if the Gestapo are looking for gold, they are looking for gold, end of discussion. Now leave, before I have you confined to your quarters." Klink saluted abruptly, but as Hogan returned the salute and left, he had to wonder, just a little.

Hogan walked into Barracks 2. "All the tunnels hidden?"

"Perectly, Sir," Newkirk announced. "They came in 'ere, and didn't suspect a thing."

"Okay, great. Kinch, got that memo typed up?"

"Ready whenever you are, Sir."

"All right. The Gestapo put a little crimp in our plans, but I figured they'd be here sooner or later, and now this will be out of the way. When they leave, it's time to go to phase 2," he said with a smirk.

A short time later, Hogan entered the kommandant's outer office once again, and inserted an envelope into the daily mail while kissing Klink's secretary. As they were still kissing, Klink came out of his office and picked up the mail. "If that is all you Americans do, it's no wonder you're losing the war."

"Yeah, but think of it this way," Hogan said, "every letter home about how wonderful German women are gives them much more incentive to come here."

"Hmpf. Anyway, leave me alone, Hogan, I am very busy," Klink said as he walked into his office, sat, and began leafing through the mail.

"Oh, right, Sir. I just wanted to say, I thought about it, and maybe you were right." Hogan continued talking as Klink opened the phony memo from Berlin. "I mean, sure, the Gestapo might lose some things here and there, but really, why wouldn't they be looking for gold? it's not like you got a letter from Berlin saying that you weren't allowed to have bricks in the camp. If that happened…"

"Hogan, wait."

Hogan turned back toward Klink as the kommandant stood. "What is it, Sir?"

"Hogan…listen to this. 'From the German High Command. In an attempt to ensure all prisoner of war camps maintain the same high degree of patriotic fervor, it is hereby ordered that all prisoner of war camps shall be equipped with the only material that is truly patriotic, that being wood from the illustrious Black Forest. All buildings, and all steps to said buildings, must be constructed with wood from the glorious Black Forest. This prized national treasure must be the source of all glorious building materials in all of the buildings in our illustrious prisoner of war camps! Any building which does not utilize this most glorious of building materials is hereby deemed most unpatriotic!"

Hogan hung his head in shame. "I'm sorry, Sir, we didn't know till after we put them there; and even then it was only a rumor!

"What…you know something about this!"

"Well, it wasn't just hearing the rumor from the guards," Hogan explained with mock anguish. "I mean, that I could handle, but to know the Gestapo was here to test your loyalty…"

"My loyal…they were looking for gold, not bricks!" Going from insistence to fear in a matter of seconds, Klink finished by asking, "Weren't they?"

"You see that memo; it's obvious."

"Obvious…yes, of course, only wood is patriotic, but…you mean…?"

"In Germany, bricks in a POW camp equal treason!"

Klink gasped. "You don't mean…But they would not arrest me for…"

Hogan hung his head again, placed hat in his in his hands, and muttered, "I'm sorry, Kommandant; it's been nice knowing you." He began to leave again.

Klink rushed after him. "Hogan, wait. Your men put those brick steps in, and your men will chop the wood and put wooden steps in."

"Okay, but only for a price."

"A price? Hogan, are you insane. I am a loyal German, and I expect your men to make me look like one!"

"Look at it this way; either those bricks go, or your head goes. Now, what kind of price can you put on your head?

"One extra slice of bread for each man?"

"I wouldn't give that price for old bubblehead's head!"

Hogan, stop…" nk looked at the memo, still in his hand. "Two extra slices, and theec hall stays open one extra house this week?"

"maybe it two extra hours, two extra slices, and all red cross packages delivered on time!"

Klink sighed. "Oh, all right. I guess." After Hogan thanked Klink and promised to get to work, Klink stood looking at that letter. "I hope Berlin appreciates what I go through for them."

Hogan smiled as the steps were replaced the next day. With the last of the nails being pounded in, he heard Kinch whisper, "Underground got the bricks off the truck with the dogs; it's on its way to the Free French."

"Great. Oh, here comes Burkhalter; this should be fun."

Klink saluted as his superior, General Burkhalter, stepped out of his car. "Ah, a pleasure to see you, Herr General! I hpe you admire this wood."

"Do not bother me with trifles, Klink; I can see perfectly well what those men are building with!"

"Oh, but Herr General, I just wanted to demonstrate my great wisdom and intelligence in choosing wood over bricks."

"That is, unless you're one of the three little pigs," Hogan joked.

"Herr General," Klink rambled, "I totally agree. The Black Forest is our national treasure, and to be building anything with bricks would be most unpatriotic. I am totally in support of all those who say that every square inch of our P.O.W. camps must befrom the most patriotic of sources, wood!"

Burhalter looked oddly at Klink. "Peculiar. I never thought I would see the day that arriving here on an inspection tour would end up giving me a good idea."

"What idea is that, Herr General?"

"Why should I let you take credit for my brilliant plan," Burkhalter queried as he went into Klink's office, with Klink following.

LeBeau asked as the men gathered around Hogan, "What was that all about?"

"I don't know, but it sounds like it might be a good thing we intercept Klink's maila nd red it before we let him see it," he said as they walked away. And, if the Gestapo wonders where the bricks went, it'll be good cover anyway, Hogan mused, though they wouldn't ask that.

"Blimey; you mean that memo about patriotic wood might become real?" Newkirk said, totally shocked.

Hogan shrugged and said, "Why not? What else do you expect from a bunch of blockheads."


End file.
